Sunday, October 05, 2008 , 10:14 PM Y
Waiting For You..
I found out that nowadays I blog more than I did before O level was closer. Now I know why, I'm stressed and the only thing help me now is putting it all in this blog. To write my feelings down and keeped it locked, my own lil secret where no one else can read except the readers and I. It doesn't seem like much of a secret if everyone who is anyone can read it. But my parents, my family they don't know my blog address. They can't read this.
Nowadays, the cause of all my stress is my family and the os. And I feel like if I do not write all of this down I might just burst one fine day before o.
I don't understand I really don't. My dad says he listens to me but seriously? He doesn't. He saids he's tired of listening to me. And I'm wondering when did he ever? I let him rule me, he says come back by this time, I do. He tells me today we're going out, I do. He tells me do the laundry, I do. When I told him I can't go out anymore, does he listen to me? No. When I tell him Nabil is annoying, does he listen? No.
When My brother and I are fighting, he tells us please stop playing. When my brother and I are joking he tells us stop fighting. Now I'm laughing at how ironic he is. He says that he understands things better than a lot of people, he says people respects him. And here I'm thinking yeah right. He says people knows he's not one to play with and they respect that. But human nature is not like that not everyone respects people like him. Most will find him arrogant and bossy. He doesn't get it.
He was telling our family how christine, his worker, wanted to come to our house for hari raya. He recounted the conversation to us. He thought it was funny how he rejected her and she somehow dumbly insists that he's going to invite her. I didn't find that funny at all. When he told me the exact sentence she said and how she presisted. She wasn't acting dumbly at all, she was embarassed and rather than accept the truth and back down shamefully being rejected, she pretended like he said nothing. Because it hurt being rejected the way my father did to her. It was horrible.
It sucks being rejected like that and being the butt of his jokes were even worse. He says he always tries to understand people's feelings but he doesn't. Because I don't find embarassing people funny at all. I do it at times but not until people felt horrible like how christine must have felt.
And he's the first person I ever felt like screaming my head off. When he scolds my brother, my mother and I, or even his colleagues. I would silently scream. It irritated me, hearing his voice scolding people, if I was in my room and he scolded my brother I would close my ears, open my mouth and let out a silent scream. If he scold his colleagues on the phone and shouted at them, making them feel worse than dogs, I would frown and clench my fist.
It was the way he scold people, it made you feel angry, scared and annoyed even if you aren't the one he directed his anger at. It makes you think he doesn't know what he's talking about and yet it made you seem like the most lowest being on earth. I would feel like banging my head onto something just to get his annoying voice out of my head or tear my ears off just because of that.
Now i'm laughing he just scolded my brother,and I did the same ritual I scrunched my ears as though trying to tear them off, and I screamed but nothing comes out. It's ironic how he says he's not biased but in truth he is, when he scolds my brother he will bring me in but he scolds me, he will say nothing about my brother.
He says that everybody in the house did the same thing. They can't do anything properly except him. He says I can't do the dishes properly and I don't do it on time. But i was thinking I always do the fucking dishes properly so at times I miss a few things, am I not a freaking human being? And yes sometimes I would delay doing the dishes but I do it on the same day and do it before he comes home. Sometimes he comes home earlier than expected, is it my fucking fault? And what fucking right does he have to say about me not doing the dishes properly? At least most of the things I wash are cleaned properly.
Once I slept in my cousin house or camp. Not sure which, but for three days. I came back and was told to put back the dishes, guess what? I found out that all the dishes were fucking dirty. Guess who washed it? Yes, my father. I suspected my brother so I was about to scold him till my mother told me it was my father. How fucking ironic he is, complaining about one or two dishes in my fucking lifetime not cleaned properly when all his dishes weren't washed properly and I end up rewashing three days of his ' clean' dishes. Fuck him.
