I found out that nowadays I blog more than I did before O level was closer. Now I know why, I'm stressed and the only thing help me now is putting it all in this blog. To write my feelings down and keeped it locked, my own lil secret where no one else can read except the readers and I. It doesn't seem like much of a secret if everyone who is anyone can read it. But my parents, my family they don't know my blog address. They can't read this.

Nowadays, the cause of all my stress is my family and the os. And I feel like if I do not write all of this down I might just burst one fine day before o.

I don't understand I really don't. My dad says he listens to me but seriously? He doesn't. He saids he's tired of listening to me. And I'm wondering when did he ever? I let him rule me, he says come back by this time, I do. He tells me today we're going out, I do. He tells me do the laundry, I do. When I told him I can't go out anymore, does he listen to me? No. When I tell him Nabil is annoying, does he listen? No.

When My brother and I are fighting, he tells us please stop playing. When my brother and I are joking he tells us stop fighting. Now I'm laughing at how ironic he is. He says that he understands things better than a lot of people, he says people respects him. And here I'm thinking yeah right. He says people knows he's not one to play with and they respect that. But human nature is not like that not everyone respects people like him. Most will find him arrogant and bossy. He doesn't get it.

He was telling our family how christine, his worker, wanted to come to our house for hari raya. He recounted the conversation to us. He thought it was funny how he rejected her and she somehow dumbly insists that he's going to invite her. I didn't find that funny at all. When he told me the exact sentence she said and how she presisted. She wasn't acting dumbly at all, she was embarassed and rather than accept the truth and back down shamefully being rejected, she pretended like he said nothing. Because it hurt being rejected the way my father did to her. It was horrible.

It sucks being rejected like that and being the butt of his jokes were even worse. He says he always tries to understand people's feelings but he doesn't. Because I don't find embarassing people funny at all. I do it at times but not until people felt horrible like how christine must have felt.

And he's the first person I ever felt like screaming my head off. When he scolds my brother, my mother and I, or even his colleagues. I would silently scream. It irritated me, hearing his voice scolding people, if I was in my room and he scolded my brother I would close my ears, open my mouth and let out a silent scream. If he scold his colleagues on the phone and shouted at them, making them feel worse than dogs, I would frown and clench my fist.

It was the way he scold people, it made you feel angry, scared and annoyed even if you aren't the one he directed his anger at. It makes you think he doesn't know what he's talking about and yet it made you seem like the most lowest being on earth. I would feel like banging my head onto something just to get his annoying voice out of my head or tear my ears off just because of that.

Now i'm laughing he just scolded my brother,and I did the same ritual I scrunched my ears as though trying to tear them off, and I screamed but nothing comes out. It's ironic how he says he's not biased but in truth he is, when he scolds my brother he will bring me in but he scolds me, he will say nothing about my brother.

He says that everybody in the house did the same thing. They can't do anything properly except him. He says I can't do the dishes properly and I don't do it on time. But i was thinking I always do the fucking dishes properly so at times I miss a few things, am I not a freaking human being? And yes sometimes I would delay doing the dishes but I do it on the same day and do it before he comes home. Sometimes he comes home earlier than expected, is it my fucking fault? And what fucking right does he have to say about me not doing the dishes properly? At least most of the things I wash are cleaned properly.

Once I slept in my cousin house or camp. Not sure which, but for three days. I came back and was told to put back the dishes, guess what? I found out that all the dishes were fucking dirty. Guess who washed it? Yes, my father. I suspected my brother so I was about to scold him till my mother told me it was my father. How fucking ironic he is, complaining about one or two dishes in my fucking lifetime not cleaned properly when all his dishes weren't washed properly and I end up rewashing three days of his ' clean' dishes. Fuck him.

Regret was the one thing I promised never to do after I saw my mother breaking down and crying. It hurts too much that you know what you should have done and wouldn't do. And the future doesn't seems so bright as you get caught by the past, asking yourself why you didn't do it.

Though it aches my heart to say I regret not telling him 'bout my feelings. Regret not convincing him that I really like him. I know it is a chance I gave away and might never redeem. And I keep thinking if I had done just that will things turn out differently?

Can I turn back time say sorry for the many sadness I brought my mother? Or stop my parents from fighting over and over again till their screams echoed in my ears every night. Should I have not told my best friend to take a chance with the guy I've liked for six years for my own selfish needs?

Now regret is the only thing I can think of as I pushed him away. Scared that I might cry myslf to sleep every night we were apart like I used too. And only the oblivion welcoming me, protecting me from my own nightmares.

But I can't say I love him. Cause what those a sixteen year old girl knows about love?

Have you ever wondered about you and me,
Have you ever thought of what used to be,
At how fast we grew apart,
And how it's slowly breaking my heart,

Do you even care, do you ever hear?
How I'm to fare, or the screams of my fears.
So when I'm gone away,
I can still hear you say,

"I love you"
What a lie,
"I see you"
But I've got nothing to hide.

You've got me mesmerized.
As you drown me in your lies.
So now hear me scream so you can see,
This is not a dream nor your little fantasies,

You can't tie me up, nor make me a doll.
Nor can I blame you for the reason of my fall,
But I'm not going to lie,
So I have to tell you now, I can't get over you at all.

How surprising. Got dumped by my guy. Yet I feel strangely sad. But not because of him but for the one before him. I guessed we weren't meant to be. How drama. Can't sleep. I don't think I can get over him.

I've been cryin too much lately. You know how disappointment just takes the best out of you. Well, let's recap on my fruitful life so far.

I've gotten my MT results I got c6 hurray! Cried for five to ten minutes. English Oral found myself stuttering for the first time during oral. I never stutter during conversations. And that day seems to be the day that I finally do. DPA rejected. Cried for ten seconds seriously.

I want nothing else better to do than give up but I can't. SO today must do bio finish. I must continue to study. I'm going to try my hardest for that psychology course. I will do anything to get it.

So praying that I will get what I want. I have to study. Have fun.

Do you know this whole week is nothing but a rollercoaster ride. Or to be more specific we're just at the part where it all goes downhill. It's where the scariest part is the most exhilirating part. Excitement, achievement, courage and fear all bundled in one.

My cousin went to hospital, his head hurt in the right but the part of the body that hurts was on the left.

My auntie got mobbed, well pushed or banged when she was locking up the library, to the point where she hit the pillar and fainted.

Another auntie from my mother's side, fainted due to stress and when I met her in the hospital, the strong woman I once knew was lying in the bed, deathly pale. I couldn't even comfort my cousin who was sobbing quietly. And it scared me. the three boys only had their mother to find comfort in. The father, at that time, didn't look like the kind of person you can depend on.

But that's not for me to say.

And today, oh god, today. Was the second worst day of my life. And I thought this things like this always happened to other people, always happened to other families. Maybe I was just denying it, hoping that we could keep up the pretense of being one whole big family again. That nothing was wrong and eveything would be just fine.The fights that had gone on wasn't much. It was so little that I thought it wasn't such a big deal. So why should I make a fuss about it?

And maybe I should be analysing this a bit further but all I did was cry when my father told me the news. Somehow, I knew this was going to happen, all over again. I kept telling myself why, why did it have to happen to me. But I was being so selfish, this always happen to everyone but this time it happened to me. Not once but twice. And I was right, I told Sharon this would happen again and it did.

The funny thing was, eventhough I knew the consequences that came with it, eventhough I had little knowledge of it when it happened when I was younger. I knew the full extent of the aftermath, but it didn't hurt me like it did last time.

But my father and mother should be happy. Even if it meant being apart. And now no longer in denial, I accept this.

Thank you, and out,

Nisa

Tired damn tired.

I can't study anymore. I tried the maths tys yesterday. And i found out I couldn't do even half of the questions. Pathethic.

I am resolved. I will start practising amaths and emaths 3 or 4 months before the 'o's. And I will continue until the 'o" is finished. HAH!

I'm going to do it no matter what. But I will practise maybe before that because of prelim. I will do amaths and emaths in the afternoon everyday. and the different subjects every night.

'O' level sucks. But I'm not stupid enough to cut my wrists for it.

I just read a friend's blog. And I find out that she keeps begging this guy to stead with her.

Anyway....


To girls out there with pride. Don't go around begging and making a fool of yourself. I find girls who ask guys out knows what they want in life but insisting that the guy should go out with you, is shameful. It really shows your lack of morals.

HERSELFY

Nisa Clarissa
16. Sweet Sixteen
Coral Secondary School
The Idiot
Pisces
20th Feb 1992


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